Life as we know it
A story from MILAN MOCKOVAK: “While visiting my son in Sacramento, I got up of a Saturday morning to go to the grocery store. When I got to the parking-lot exit, I discovered I didn’t have my wallet. I parked the car on the street next to the entrance, which was shorter than parking in the lot.
“When I returned, my car wasn’t where I thought I had left it. I looked around to make certain, because I was starting to get forgetful.
“Sure enough, it was gone. Stolen. I really liked that car, too. An Olds 88 that I’d driven for a few years — never any trouble.
“I called the police, did the paperwork, and called my insurance company. I was ready to get a pickup, anyhow. This helped make the decision — medicine out of poison.
“The next morning, my son and I were driving down the boulevard when a car passed us. It moved into our lane, and I said to my son: ‘That car looks just like my . . . THAT IS MY CAR!’ I shouted. I quickly called the police. They told us to stay behind the car and not engage the driver in any way.
“They finally pulled into a gas station and parked. Two teeny-boppers got out and went into the store. We pulled in and parked so we’d block their exit. The police arrived shortly and took the girls into custody after they entered the car.
“After much discussion and filling out reports, the police said I could go. Saved me a towing fee, they said. But I didn’t know how to start the car. ‘I’ll show you,’ one of the girls said. She came over, picked up the screwdriver on the seat, and showed me how to steal a car. I got one practice shot and did it.
“When she got out to leave, she said: ‘Can I have the screwdriver? It’s my aunt’s.’”
Now & Then
JOHN IN HIGHLAND writes: “Subject: Get rid of AM radio?
“Recently many automakers have stopped including AM radio in their electronic vehicles (EVs). They state that the electric motors interfere with radio sound quality.
“Defenders of AM say that it is necessary for public-safety warnings and is an excellent forum for talk-radio programs (thanks largely to Rush Limbaugh!).
“Discussions concerning the end of AM radio should catch the attention of classic-car aficionados everywhere. To be classified as original, cars from the 1950s and older should have the authentic original radio or no radio at all!
“P.S. The car in the picture is a 1948 Plymouth Special Deluxe Coupe. I owned it for about 15 years. I found it in South Dakota. I sold it to a guy who grew up with a similar one and really, really wanted it!”
Dept. of Neat Stuff . . . Let Them Eat Cake Division
GREGORY J. of Dayton’s Bluff writes: “Here is another cake creation from my niece Amy. It is the famous Laser Loon — which could have been part of the new Minnesota state flag design, but instead ended up on a limited-edition library card from the Saint Paul Public Library.”
See world
From WAYNE NELSON of Forest Lake: “Subject: Just keeping warm.
“I would like to share these pictures with the BB readers.
“Here are a few of my many favorite bird pictures that I took through a window from my porch a couple of years back. They show a blue jay sitting in a heated birdbath in a snow storm just relaxing and keeping warm.
“He looks like he is really relaxed and enjoying his bath in the hot water.”
The highfalutin amusements . . . Closed Captions Division
COS ON THE EAST SIDE writes: “Subject: The sounds of music.
“I recently watched a very strange movie hosted by Svengoolie on MeTV. It was ‘The Time Travelers,’ released in 1964. I’m not sure how I had never encountered this movie over the past 60 years, but I hadn’t. I don’t know if I’d call it good or bad, but it was certainly entertaining.
“However, this is not a movie review. It is instead a closed-captioning review. I believe this topic has previously appeared in Bulletin Board due to its often unusual interpretation of dialogue. But not this time. What caught my attention were the closed-captions describing the music. Usually the captions say something boring like ‘somber orchestral music’ or ‘light music,’ etc. But not these musical descriptions. I don’t know who came up with them, but that person deserves some sort of award for creativity.
“Without further ado, I am listing as many descriptions as I could write down. I know there were more. Each preceded the word ‘music.’ Here goes: perky, kindly, bumbling, affectionate, thrilling, glaring, imposing, enchanting, gut-wrenching, frustrating, imperious, searing, panicky, buzzing, menacing, jittery, feverish, beaming, giddy, delicate, shivering, delirious, disjointed, punchy-drum-kit, scampering, touching, momentous, weighty, creepy, hectic, despondent, perplexed, obscura, apprehensive, intimidating, manic, pathetic, afflicted, graceful, entrancing, sensual, restrained, worried and brooding.”
Everyone’s a critic! . . . Headline Division
Email from DONALD: “Subject: Clever headline.
“After the Twins struck out 15 times while losing their home opener, this was the headline on the front page of Sports in the Pioneer Press: ‘WHIFFS OF SPRING.’”
Fellow travelers
BILL OF THE RIVER LAKE: “Subject: Camping surprise.
“Our neighbor and I were talking about past RV-camping experiences.
“Many Walmart stores in several states allow RVers to park overnight in their ‘back 40.’ This is a win-win, as it’s good for their business and allows weary campers a free night’s stay.
“My neighbor stopped at a Walmart store in Montana a few years back and entered the store to ask permission to park in their lot.
“The kindly Walmart employee said yes, but my friend ‘could stay no longer than two weeks.’
“Of course, the neighbor was gone early the next morning to continue on his cross-country trip.
“Wow! You never know till you ask.”
Dumb Customer Jokes
RUSTY of St. Paul: “I went to a gas station to buy my North 5 lottery tickets. I wanted one for tonight and one for the drawing after tonight. ‘I would like a North 5, two draws, please,’ I said.
“There was an experienced cashier training in a newbie. The experienced cashier said: ‘When a customer asks for “two draws,” you push this button and then this button. He will get one ticket with one set of numbers on it, but two different drawing dates on it.’
“Maybe she has a little bit of a drawl, as it sounded to me as though she said: ‘When a customer asks for “two drawers . . .”‘
“I thought I should clarify a bit for the trainee, so I said to her: ‘When a customer asks for “two drawers,” that means he needs new underwear. Pronto!’
“The older women thought this was hilarious and said through laughs: ‘I don’t think we have any drawers.’
“I said: ‘Oh, I think you do, right over there!’ and pointed to a spinning rack that had scarves, hats and mittens on them. [Bulletin Board interjects: Hmmmmmmmm?]
“The younger woman didn’t laugh, just raised her eyebrows and rolled her eyes. ‘Yet another Dumb Dad Joke,’ she was likely thinking. [Bulletin Board muses: Or, perhaps, “Please, God, don’t let this doofus win the lottery!”]
“I thanked them — and as I left, I could still hear the older woman chuckling.”
The indignities of age
THE DORYMAN of Prescott, Wis.: “Subject: The games people play.
“The Runabout and I played tennis again yesterday. There are no backhands or aces involved in our match; nor are there any rackets or nets. The serves are determined yet gentle. Nothing is out of bounds (the only white lines are those for parking cars).
“At our age, each set is a brief, creaky routine of grunts and groans that involves getting in and out of our parked car — and, while doing so, announcing every move, with a loud and determined UFF . . . AHH . . . UFF . . . AHHH! And when it ends, the score is always love-all.”
Where we live
AL B of Hartland: “It’s a state law that drivers on a country road must wave as a greeting. Well, it’s not really a law, but it’s expected we acknowledge a fellow traveler. We wave at strangers and non-strangers. No one wants another to think he’s gotten too big for his britches.
“My signature wave is an index finger extended in a one-digit wag. My father left that flip to me in his will. I’ve tried a two-finger wave, but found it a bit ostentatious. Some wavers use the entire hand to make sure people know they aren’t uppity. You get more exercise that way — and that’s good, as we’re more likely to find extra fries than exercise in a vehicle. Others wave as if they’re wiping the windshield as a signal they aren’t stuck up.”
The Permanent Maternal Record
KATHY S. of St. Paul: “Subject: We’re Having an Adventure!
“When things went south and frustrating (and I was whining about it), my mom would uber-cheerfully announce: ‘We’re having an adventure!’ Over time, I learned that she would then change the flat car tire or do whatever could be done to fix a situation. As the author of the recent ‘The Book of Charlie’ might say, Mom was a thriver rather than a survivor.
“She encouraged me to be an inventor, because she always wanted to patent an invention — and that was rarer than rare for a woman, back then. I never patented anything, so I am passing this goal on to her descendants, to get one in her honor. I figure some of her spark and resourcefulness have been passed on, and we will all (including Mom) be proud.
“Ironically, after I wrote this about my inventive mom, the terrible accident in Baltimore damaged the Key Bridge — and killed some workers who were on it when it was hit. I found myself trying to design procedures that might have helped more workers survive it. From our cellphones, I figure we could copy from Amber Alerts — with warnings in English and Spanish. Borrowing from the periodic warnings we get about driving on thin ice, we could order workers to race off bridges with their doors and windows open.
“And finally, copying from Mom’s schoolteacher sister, I would ask everyone hearing about an accident like this one to close their eyes and pray for those involved. Because, to quote Joan Baez: ‘There but for fortune go you or I.’”
BAND NAME OF THE DAY: The Dumb Dad Jokes
Your stories are welcome. The address is BB.onward@gmail.com.
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