We have too many troubled feral youths with a strong affinity for stealing cars and vandalizing streetlamps. They know about tools, and if that is too gracious, they are not afraid to roll up their sleeves and tackle electrical systems that would have most of us calling an electrician.

Joe Soucheray

You’re aiming too low, fellows. You steal cars for no other reason than to run a nefarious errand and then you dump it and steal another one. You’ve got a couple of problems. One, you don’t know how to drive. Every report of a stolen car that comes along contains the inevitable paragraph where we learn the driver crashed into a tree or rolled into a pond.

Any 5-year-old kid raised on a farm can drive better than you urban louts. Aren’t you embarrassed? No, really, you don’t have a clue, making you much more dangerous. You have no concept of speed, braking or turning. You are complete morons and we are tired of it.

The next time you steal somebody’s Hyundai, leave it in one piece. You also have no idea what insurance costs.

And speaking of Hyundais and Kias, too, I suppose, I am not going to blame the manufacturers for your temptations. We have elected a political class that believes that Hyundai and Kia purposely designed cars to be easily stolen in the Twin Cities. They did not. Criminals steal cars. Criminals have tools and they can surf Google. There is not a doubt in my mind that these same drifters could just as easily steal Porsches and Jaguars, but it would take a bit longer so they go after the low-hanging fruit.

You should be ashamed of yourselves, fellas, for the way you have embarrassed the moonshiners, main-street drag racers, low riders and dirt-track racers, all of us for that matter. You don’t know a damn thing about cars.

Don’t know if it’s the same crowd, but it’s the same lazy ideology when it comes to streetlights. All you do is leave behind a pitiable mess. For what? How many “help wanted” signs do you pass on your way to the next $7 score of copper wire?

We have old beautiful streetlamps in St. Paul. They cast a civic twilight glow. The ones still working. They speak to a day of better beggars and thieves. By day, the broken ones offer sprung access panels and strands of wire having been snipped. Now that street is dark and restless.

Any day now, the St. Paul City Council, the least diverse city council in America, all young females with the same liberal world view, will probably get around to blaming the manufacturer of the pole for placing the access panel too near the ground. Why, they should have envisioned the misunderstood youth when they designed those lamps.

For cars, buy a standard transmission vehicle while they still last. The thief wouldn’t get 10 feet if he had to work a clutch.

And even if he could use a clutch, he’d probably crash into a streetlamp, knocking another one out of service.

Joe Soucheray can be reached at jsoucheray@pioneerpress.com. Soucheray’s “Garage Logic” podcast can be heard at garagelogic.com.

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It doesn’t feel good to beat up on a movie like “Ghostbusters: Frozen Empire,” which is a film with the right intentions: to entertain families looking for spectacle that will please both kids and their Gen X/millennial parents. It’s at least slightly better than its ghoulish predecessor, “Ghostbusters: Afterlife,” because at least there aren’t any holograms of deceased actors in this one, which is a relief.

Still, there’s very little opportunity for critical examination of this sequel to the “lega-sequel” of the “Ghostbusters” franchise, which already has one failed reboot on its record. What else could one possibly say about “Ghostbusters” in general, and this perfectly fine, but incredibly dull installment specifically? It does exactly what it needs to do for die-hard fans and families seeking a night out at the movies. As a cultural industrial product, it’s emblematic of Hollywood’s obsession with reboots, nostalgia and IP, but that subject has already been talked to death and doesn’t bear repeating.

Those arguments aren’t worth making again, especially when “Frozen Empire” is such an uninspiring example. In its favor, it does try to do something that is both familiar and expansive. The script is by Gil Kenan and Jason Reitman, the son of original “Ghostbusters” director Ivan Reitman, who passed in 2022 (the film is dedicated “For Ivan”). Though Jason Reitman helmed 2021’s “Afterlife,” Kenan (“Monster House,” “Poltergeist”) steps behind the camera here.

It may be a new generation of Ghostbusters, but the family of the late Egon Spengler find themselves back in New York, in that firehouse headquarters, following “Afterlife’s” jaunt to Oklahoma. In fact, the whole crew finds themselves in New York, not just Callie (Carrie Coon), and her kids, Trevor (Finn Wolfhard) and Phoebe (McKenna Grace), but also Callie’s boyfriend Gary (Paul Rudd), who has joined the phantom-fighting family. Even the kids’ pals Podcast (Logan Kim) and Lucky (Celeste O’Connor) are also in New York, interning with the original Ghostbusters, Ray Stanz (Dan Aykroyd) and Winston Zeddemore (Ernie Hudson). Yep, the gang’s all here, every last surviving Ghostbuster, including Peter Venkman (Bill Murray), and Annie Potts too, plus a few new characters to boot.

That’s one of the problems with the script, which is that there are far too many characters. Every arc is given short shrift, and most of the story beats are all too predictable. Phoebe’s too young for dangerous urban ghostbusting and feels out of step with her family, Gary doesn’t know how he fits in with the rest of the Spengler clan, etc., etc. These characters may all be in the same place, but every person feels disconnected, preoccupied with their individual dilemma or task. Phoebe makes friends with a ghost who died in a tenement fire; Trevor tries unsuccessfully to catch Slimer. There’s very little chemistry or connection among them, resulting in an unengaging, totally trite and lackluster story.

The one new character who brings some spark is Kumail Nanjiani, playing a burnout loser named Nadeem who pawns his grandmother’s orb at Ray’s paranormal shop. Listen up: never trust an orb. This one houses an ooky-spooky ice lord demon type named Garaka, and he’s the evil Elsa of this land, breathing ice over Manhattan and threatening to unleash every captured ghost. Only Nadeem may have the hereditary gifts to battle such a creature — alongside the brilliant and resourceful young Phoebe Spengler, of course.

The good thing about “Frozen Empire” is that it’s less of that “Easter egg hunt” type cinema that Reitman extolled “Afterlife” as, instead utilizing elements of the original “Ghostbusters” in ways that work within the story. Yet there’s the lingering sensation that it’s still just reconstituted bits and pieces weaponized for a warm reaction. The lore may be better integrated into the story than it was in “Afterlife,” but “Frozen Empire” will still never beat the allegations that it’s merely regurgitated nostalgia aimed at a kiddie crowd.

The good news is that most everyone seems to be having fun. Coon is relaxed, Rudd recites the theme song to great comedic effect, and Murray, Aykroyd, Hudson and Potts are in warm spirits. Everyone else, including Nanjiani and Patton Oswalt, who shows up to deliver some folkloric backstory, just seem happy to be there. British stand-up James Acaster is a welcome sight, even if he is woefully underutilized (once again, there are simply too many people in this movie). But even this cast can’t save the rote machinations of “Ghostbusters: Frozen Empire” as it dutifully delivers morsels of memory. And yet, it’s likely we’ll be back here in a few years to hash out yet another “Ghostbusters” installment. Fingers crossed there will at least be more to chew on then, good or bad.

‘Ghostbusters: Frozen Empire’

2 stars (out of 4)

MPA rating: PG-13 (for supernatural action/violence, language and suggestive references)

Running time: 1:55

How to watch: In theaters Friday

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The Minnesota Department of Health is advising anglers and others to limit, or completely avoid, eating fish from a stretch of the Mississippi River between the southern Twin Cities metro area and Wabasha.

“For most people, fish are part of a nutritious, well-balanced diet, because they provide a good source of protein and are rich in essential vitamins and minerals,” said Myra Kunas, MDH assistant commissioner, in a press release. “But the Minnesota Department of Health encourages people to limit their intake of fish from certain waterbodies to avoid potential negative health impacts.”

The guidance comes as MDH found pollutants — including mercury, polychlorinated biphenyls (PCBs) and PFAS (“forever chemicals”) — in fish tissue from that section of the river.

The guidance applies to the Lock & Dam No. 2 Pool near St. Paul Park, the No. 3 Pool near Etter in Goodhue County and the No. 4 Pool near Wabasha, “including all of the Minnesota lakes and backwaters,” the MDH press release said.

The guidance states that children under 15, people who are or may become pregnant and those who are breastfeeding or plan to do so should not eat fish from these areas.

For people who don’t plan to become pregnant and are over 15, MDH says to limit the consumption of fish in the affected area to one serving per month.

“MDH, DNR and MPCA work together to review scientific information about PFAS and other contaminants in waterbodies and fish and their potential impact on human health in order to provide Minnesotans with the information they need to make informed choices for the health and safety of their family,” the release says.

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