Life as we know it

A story from MILAN MOCKOVAK: “While visiting my son in Sacramento, I got up of a Saturday morning to go to the grocery store. When I got to the parking-lot exit, I discovered I didn’t have my wallet. I parked the car on the street next to the entrance, which was shorter than parking in the lot.

“When I returned, my car wasn’t where I thought I had left it. I looked around to make certain, because I was starting to get forgetful.

“Sure enough, it was gone. Stolen. I really liked that car, too. An Olds 88 that I’d driven for a few years — never any trouble.

“I called the police, did the paperwork, and called my insurance company. I was ready to get a pickup, anyhow. This helped make the decision — medicine out of poison.

“The next morning, my son and I were driving down the boulevard when a car passed us. It moved into our lane, and I said to my son: ‘That car looks just like my . . . THAT IS MY CAR!’ I shouted. I quickly called the police. They told us to stay behind the car and not engage the driver in any way.

“They finally pulled into a gas station and parked. Two teeny-boppers got out and went into the store. We pulled in and parked so we’d block their exit. The police arrived shortly and took the girls into custody after they entered the car.

“After much discussion and filling out reports, the police said I could go. Saved me a towing fee, they said. But I didn’t know how to start the car. ‘I’ll show you,’ one of the girls said. She came over, picked up the screwdriver on the seat, and showed me how to steal a car. I got one practice shot and did it.

“When she got out to leave, she said: ‘Can I have the screwdriver? It’s my aunt’s.’”

Now & Then

JOHN IN HIGHLAND writes: “Subject: Get rid of AM radio?

“Recently many automakers have stopped including AM radio in their electronic vehicles (EVs). They state that the electric motors interfere with radio sound quality.

“Defenders of AM say that it is necessary for public-safety warnings and is an excellent forum for talk-radio programs (thanks largely to Rush Limbaugh!).

“Discussions concerning the end of AM radio should catch the attention of classic-car aficionados everywhere. To be classified as original, cars from the 1950s and older should have the authentic original radio or no radio at all!

“P.S. The car in the picture is a 1948 Plymouth Special Deluxe Coupe. I owned it for about 15 years. I found it in South Dakota. I sold it to a guy who grew up with a similar one and really, really wanted it!”

Dept. of Neat Stuff . . . Let Them Eat Cake Division

GREGORY J. of Dayton’s Bluff writes: “Here is another cake creation from my niece Amy. It is the famous Laser Loon — which could have been part of the new Minnesota state flag design, but instead ended up on a limited-edition library card from the Saint Paul Public Library.”

See world

From WAYNE NELSON of Forest Lake: “Subject: Just keeping warm.

“I would like to share these pictures with the BB readers.

“Here are a few of my many favorite bird pictures that I took through a window from my porch a couple of years back. They show a blue jay sitting in a heated birdbath in a snow storm just relaxing and keeping warm.

“He looks like he is really relaxed and enjoying his bath in the hot water.”

The highfalutin amusements . . . Closed Captions Division

COS ON THE EAST SIDE writes: “Subject: The sounds of music.

“I recently watched a very strange movie hosted by Svengoolie on MeTV. It was ‘The Time Travelers,’ released in 1964. I’m not sure how I had never encountered this movie over the past 60 years, but I hadn’t. I don’t know if I’d call it good or bad, but it was certainly entertaining.

“However, this is not a movie review. It is instead a closed-captioning review. I believe this topic has previously appeared in Bulletin Board due to its often unusual interpretation of dialogue. But not this time. What caught my attention were the closed-captions describing the music. Usually the captions say something boring like ‘somber orchestral music’ or ‘light music,’ etc. But not these musical descriptions. I don’t know who came up with them, but that person deserves some sort of award for creativity.

“Without further ado, I am listing as many descriptions as I could write down. I know there were more. Each preceded the word ‘music.’ Here goes: perky, kindly, bumbling, affectionate, thrilling, glaring, imposing, enchanting, gut-wrenching, frustrating, imperious, searing, panicky, buzzing, menacing, jittery, feverish, beaming, giddy, delicate, shivering, delirious, disjointed, punchy-drum-kit, scampering, touching, momentous, weighty, creepy, hectic, despondent, perplexed, obscura, apprehensive, intimidating, manic, pathetic, afflicted, graceful, entrancing, sensual, restrained, worried and brooding.”

Everyone’s a critic! . . . Headline Division

Email from DONALD: “Subject: Clever headline.

“After the Twins struck out 15 times while losing their home opener, this was the headline on the front page of Sports in the Pioneer Press: ‘WHIFFS OF SPRING.’”

Fellow travelers

BILL OF THE RIVER LAKE: “Subject: Camping surprise.

“Our neighbor and I were talking about past RV-camping experiences.

“Many Walmart stores in several states allow RVers to park overnight in their ‘back 40.’ This is a win-win, as it’s good for their business and allows weary campers a free night’s stay.

“My neighbor stopped at a Walmart store in Montana a few years back and entered the store to ask permission to park in their lot.

“The kindly Walmart employee said yes, but my friend ‘could stay no longer than two weeks.’

“Of course, the neighbor was gone early the next morning to continue on his cross-country trip.

“Wow! You never know till you ask.”

Dumb Customer Jokes

RUSTY of St. Paul: “I went to a gas station to buy my North 5 lottery tickets. I wanted one for tonight and one for the drawing after tonight. ‘I would like a North 5, two draws, please,’ I said.

“There was an experienced cashier training in a newbie. The experienced cashier said: ‘When a customer asks for “two draws,” you push this button and then this button. He will get one ticket with one set of numbers on it, but two different drawing dates on it.’

“Maybe she has a little bit of a drawl, as it sounded to me as though she said: ‘When a customer asks for “two drawers . . .”‘

“I thought I should clarify a bit for the trainee, so I said to her: ‘When a customer asks for “two drawers,” that means he needs new underwear. Pronto!’

“The older women thought this was hilarious and said through laughs: ‘I don’t think we have any drawers.’

“I said: ‘Oh, I think you do, right over there!’ and pointed to a spinning rack that had scarves, hats and mittens on them. [Bulletin Board interjects: Hmmmmmmmm?]

“The younger woman didn’t laugh, just raised her eyebrows and rolled her eyes. ‘Yet another Dumb Dad Joke,’ she was likely thinking. [Bulletin Board muses: Or, perhaps, “Please, God, don’t let this doofus win the lottery!”]

“I thanked them — and as I left, I could still hear the older woman chuckling.”

The indignities of age

THE DORYMAN of Prescott, Wis.: “Subject: The games people play.

“The Runabout and I played tennis again yesterday. There are no backhands or aces involved in our match; nor are there any rackets or nets. The serves are determined yet gentle. Nothing is out of bounds (the only white lines are those for parking cars).

“At our age, each set is a brief, creaky routine of grunts and groans that involves getting in and out of our parked car — and, while doing so, announcing every move, with a loud and determined UFF . . . AHH . . . UFF . . . AHHH! And when it ends, the score is always love-all.”

Where we live

AL B of Hartland: “It’s a state law that drivers on a country road must wave as a greeting. Well, it’s not really a law, but it’s expected we acknowledge a fellow traveler. We wave at strangers and non-strangers. No one wants another to think he’s gotten too big for his britches.

“My signature wave is an index finger extended in a one-digit wag. My father left that flip to me in his will. I’ve tried a two-finger wave, but found it a bit ostentatious. Some wavers use the entire hand to make sure people know they aren’t uppity. You get more exercise that way — and that’s good, as we’re more likely to find extra fries than exercise in a vehicle. Others wave as if they’re wiping the windshield as a signal they aren’t stuck up.”

The Permanent Maternal Record

KATHY S. of St. Paul: “Subject: We’re Having an Adventure!

“When things went south and frustrating (and I was whining about it), my mom would uber-cheerfully announce: ‘We’re having an adventure!’ Over time, I learned that she would then change the flat car tire or do whatever could be done to fix a situation. As the author of the recent ‘The Book of Charlie’ might say, Mom was a thriver rather than a survivor.

“She encouraged me to be an inventor, because she always wanted to patent an invention — and that was rarer than rare for a woman, back then. I never patented anything, so I am passing this goal on to her descendants, to get one in her honor. I figure some of her spark and resourcefulness have been passed on, and we will all (including Mom) be proud.

“Ironically, after I wrote this about my inventive mom, the terrible accident in Baltimore damaged the Key Bridge — and killed some workers who were on it when it was hit. I found myself trying to design procedures that might have helped more workers survive it. From our cellphones, I figure we could copy from Amber Alerts — with warnings in English and Spanish. Borrowing from the periodic warnings we get about driving on thin ice, we could order workers to race off bridges with their doors and windows open.

“And finally, copying from Mom’s schoolteacher sister, I would ask everyone hearing about an accident like this one to close their eyes and pray for those involved. Because, to quote Joan Baez: ‘There but for fortune go you or I.’”

BAND NAME OF THE DAY:  The Dumb Dad Jokes

Your stories are welcome. The address is BB.onward@gmail.com.

Related Articles

Sunday Bulletin Board: What’s that dog dragging home from a birding walk?

Sunday Bulletin Board: Which do you prefer: Dunkers and Junkers — or Basketball?

Sunday Bulletin Board: How to get no solicitors without ‘No Solicitors’

Sunday Bulletin Board: Why won’t these darned ear plugs stay in there?

Sunday Bulletin Board: Who was that woman with the white hair and the pink dress?

The largest private property owner in downtown St. Paul has put 10 of its office buildings up for sale, raising deep questions about the future of some of the city’s most storied commercial buildings, including some 1800s-era Lowertown structures neighboring Mears Park.

Some civic leaders have expressed optimism that new owners could bring fresh vision, overdue upkeep and investment. However, against the backdrop of remote work and high interest rates, financial observers predict slow going in a tough era for the office sector.

“If it was to be sold in a bulk sale, a portfolio sale, you have to think how big that buyer would have to be. You’d have to be a massive player,” said John Rent, a commercial real estate lender based in downtown Minneapolis. “And institutional buyers are mostly on the sidelines now. To the extent they’re active, they’re engaged in industrial properties and multi-family properties.”

Madison Equities listed the commercial properties — comprising more than 1.6 million square feet in commercial space — this past week through brokerage CBRE, including the iconic First National Bank building, the Park Square Court building, the 1890s-era Empire Building, the Alliance Center and two parking ramps.

Occupancy rates

With U.S. Bank poised to leave the 26-story U.S. Bank Center by October except for a skyway branch, occupancy rates in those commercial buildings average 50% or less and dropping. In some cases, estimated market values calculated by the Ramsey County assessor’s office list building values at or even below where they were a decade ago, when the office market was still re-emerging from the Great Recession.

Also on the market is the Handsome Hog restaurant at Selby and Western avenues, as well as the vacant lot next to it. Madison Equities did not list its residential properties such as the Lowry Apartments and Seventh Place Apartments as part of the sale offering.

In its 49-page offering memorandum, the company expressed interest in finding a buyer willing to acquire all 10 properties at once, though the company indicated it reserves the right to entertain purchase offers for individual properties. No preferred sale price was given, but the memorandum indicated offers would be considered well below replacement costs.

“It could be good, it could be bad,” said Jason George, business manager with the International Union of Operating Engineers Local 49, which represents heavy equipment operators, mechanics and stationary engineers in the construction industry, in a social media post.

“Two things are certain,” George wrote. “When sold for far less than their current property tax valuation, it will drive down valuations all over downtown and hit (the city) budget hard. And it will take tremendous vision and leadership from (the) city to make a good outcome happen.”

Challenges to owning office space

How realistic is it that one buyer will pick up some of the largest office towers in post-pandemic downtown St. Paul in one swoop?

In the era of remote work, “office of all types remains a distressed and out-of-favor product type,” Rent said. “It would set off alarm bells with (a buyer’s investors): ‘You’re carrying how much square footage in downtown St. Paul?’ … They’re going to want properties diversified across property types.”

Not helping matters is the amount of deferred maintenance visibly evident in some of the properties. Even a buyer eager to acquire all 10 at a low price, spruce them up and then flip them over, one by one, to new buyers at a higher price would face significant maintenance costs and other holding expenses, according to developers and others close to the commercial real estate industry.

Residential conversions are possible, but they generally rely on low-income housing tax credits, tax increment financing, environmental remediation grants or some other combination of public-sector assistance. That funding could be essential to make the project worthwhile financially as a developer installs a bathroom in each new housing unit and brings century-old architecture up to livable standards.

In short, conversions “take time and are done on a one-off basis,” Rent noted.

“It’s going to be a slow slog,” he added. “Some of it would be converted to residential, hopefully. Some of it could be demolished — who knows?”

Looking out longer term, Rent and others in the industry are watching to see how much each individual building sells for. With office values already sinking, a major property devaluation could have chilling impact on the city budget, with repercussions for property taxpayers citywide.

“Every dollar that’s lost from reduced valuation on these towers is going to end up being made up for by either other commercial property owners or residential property owners in the city, if not Ramsey County,” Rent noted. “To the extent the tax value goes down, everyone else’s taxes go up.”

Still, “If I were in their shoes, and there’s an offer on any of these, I’d take it,” he said.

Here’s a look at the 10 properties:

First National Bank

At 5 p.m. on Nov. 22, 2016, the iconic “1st” sign atop First National Bank Building in downtown St. Paul was turned back on with super-efficient LED lighting. The building is now for sale. (Gabriel Sanchez / Pioneer Press)

The flashing “1st” sign atop the century-old, 32-story office tower has become synonymous with the downtown St. Paul skyline. Located at 332 Minnesota St., the First National Bank building spans nearly 663,000 square feet of office space, of which about 45% is occupied, according to the CBRE sales offering. Tenants include Wold Architects, Finance and Commerce, the Social Security Administration, the Ramsey County Bar Association and a variety of law and financial firms. The building was constructed in 1915 and renovated in 1931 and 1970. It carries an estimated market value of $30.4 million, according to Ramsey County property tax records. The First National Bank building was sold to Madison Equities in 2015 for $37.25 million.

Alliance Center

Located at 55 E. Fifth St., the 16-story Alliance Center spans 300,000 square feet of commercial space and is about 44% occupied, according to the sales offering. As tenants go, Southern Minnesota Regional Legal Services and a new Brazilian restaurant, Jackey’s Peg Leg, have a sizable presence, but Alliance Bank recently moved its bank branch out of the building that bears its name and into Wells Fargo Place on East Seventh Street. Other major tenants have, until recently, also included the accounting firm Red Path, which has relocated its headquarters to the Securian Financial building. Alliance Center was constructed in 1967 and renovated in 2012. The building carries an estimated market value of $8 million. It was sold to Madison Equities in February 2020 for $4.1 million.

375 Jackson Square

Located a block from Mears Park at 375 Jackson St. and 135 Fifth St., the two-building campus dubbed 375 Jackson Square spans 238,000 square feet and is 53% occupied, according to CBRE. It has long attracted government offices such as St. Paul’s Department of Safety and Inspections and the U.S. Department of Agriculture, though the latter is now leasing month-to-month. The older building was constructed in 1965 and the newer structure was built in 1979. The structures, last renovated in 2002, carry an estimated market value of $3 million and $3.6 million, respectively, and were last sold in July 2007 for $13.6 million.

U.S. Bank Center

U.S. Bank Center is viewed from above in this 2018 aerial photo of downtown St. Paul. (John Autey / Pioneer Press)

The 26-story U.S. Bank Center is located at 101 E. Fifth St. and is 58% occupied, according to CBRE. Spanning 522,000 square feet, it was built in 1973 and last renovated in 1995. Major tenants include U.S. Bank, which is exiting some nine floors when its lease runs out in October, though a skyway bank branch will remain in place. Other major tenants include Nexstar business training, the St. Paul Foundation and the Bush Foundation. The office tower has an estimated market value of $21.7 million, according to Ramsey County, and last sold in November 2013 for $21 million.

Empire Building/Endicott Arcade

A hallway in the Pioneer Endicott building in downtown St. Paul on Tuesday, March 8, 2023. The expanded Minnesota Museum of American Art will officially open in 2024, tripling the amount of gallery space that is currently available and showing off some of the building’s original architecture like tile flooring, brick archways and ornate pillars. (John Autey / Pioneer Press)

Walk a straight line down Fifth Street from Rice Park to Mears Park and the eye can’t fail to take in the 1800s-era building with the distinctive sandstone and red brick facade. Located at 360 N. Robert St., the seven-story Empire Building was constructed in 1889 and last renovated in 1990. It spans 97,000 square feet. Once known as the Manhattan Building and the Capital National Bank Building, it carries an estimated market value of $1.2 million and was last sold in July 2011 for $700,000. The building is being marketed alongside the adjoining Endicott Arcade annex building on Fifth Street. Both structures sit vacant.

Park Square Court

The Park Square Court building, one of the 10 Madison Equities properties for sale in St. Paul. (Scott Takushi / Pioneer Press)

Located at 400 Sibley St., the 1890s-era Park Square Court building spans 136,000 square feet of commercial space opening onto Mears Park. It currently lacks any tenants. According to the sales offering, the five-story building is “shovel ready for a hotel redevelopment,” with all the necessary governmental and regulatory approvals, though plans for a boutique Marriott Tribute hotel fell through around late 2018. Previous restaurant tenants have included the Handsome Hog, Noyes & Cutler and the Big Biscuit Bar. Park Square Court carries an estimated market value of $7.6 million. It was last sold in November 2005 for $6.8 million.

Stadium Ramp

The Lowertown parking ramp at 245 E. Sixth St., adjoining the River Park Lofts, spans 230 stalls and 172,000 square feet just around the corner from CHS Field, the home of the minor league St. Paul Saints. Built in 1960, the six-story ramp carries an estimated market value of $1.89 million and last sold in 2010 for $750,000. Recent tenants have included the now-shuttered Ox Cart Ale House, an arcade-themed restaurant with a rooftop patio overlooking the ballpark.

Capital City Ramp

The 10-story parking ramp at 50 E. Fourth St. features an entrance on Fourth, near the Green Line’s Central Station, and an exit around the corner on Minnesota Street. Built in 2000, it has 946 stalls and 444,000 square feet. The ramp, which sits next to the historic Minnesota Building, an apartment building, carries an estimated market value of $10.5 million and last sold in May 2022 for $7 million.

Handsome Hog

The patio at Handsome Hog on Selby Avenue in St. Paul. (Jess Fleming / Pioneer Press)

Located at the corner of Selby and Western avenues, the one-story building at 173 N. Western Ave. houses the Handsome Hog, a contemporary Southern-themed restaurant once associated with celebrity chef Justin Sutherland, who had at one time expressed interest in buying it. The building spans 13,800 square feet and is listed as 83% occupied. About 1,400 square feet is listed as vacant. The structure, built in 1963, carries an estimated market value of $1.9 million.

Surface parking lot

Also for sale is the surface parking lot neighboring the Handsome Hog. Located at 401 Selby Ave., it spans 3,200 square feet. The lot carries an estimated market value of $186,000 and last sold in 2018 for $775,000, when it hosted a former St. Paul Urban League building built in 1959.

Related Articles

The Arts Partnership to host four free concert screenings in Rice Park

Downtown developers, advocates weigh in on Madison Equities selling St. Paul properties

St. Paul’s Union Depot to receive historic locomotive visitor on Final Spike Anniversary Steam Tour

Madison Equities selling prominent downtown St. Paul holdings, including 1st Nat’l Bank building

U.S. Bank to leave U.S. Bank Center in downtown St. Paul while keeping skyway branch open

It’s a big week at Red Balloon Bookshop, 891 Grand Ave., St. Paul, with high-profile authors visiting to talk about their new books.

At 6:30 p.m. Wednesday, May 8, the store welcomes Samira Ahmed celebrating her new young adult novel “This Book Won’t Burn,” in conversation with Minnesota author and teacher Sharon Gibney. Ahmed is the bestselling author of “Love, Hate & Other Filters” and “Internment.” She was born in Bomba and has lived in New York, Chicago and Kauai. Her new social-suspense novel is about book banning, activists and standing up for what you believe. Publishers Weekly starred review said: “(Ahmed) employs high stakes, increasing tensions, romantic near-misses and adult hypocrisy to powerful effect.” Gibney is an award-winning author of anthologies, essays and picture books. Ahmed and Gibney will be joined by two guest teen readers for a conversation about book bans and freedom to read. Free, but registration is required for this program. Go to redballoonbookshop.com.

Moving along to 4 p.m. Saturday, May 11, Abby Cooper and Lisa Fipps introduce their new middle-grade novels. Cooper’s “True Colors” is about a town where everyone agrees to think positively but one girl whose emotions manifest as colors can’t hide her true feelings. Fipps’ “And Then, Boom!” is a novel in verse by the author of the American Library Association’s Youth Awards Printz Honor-winning “Starfish,” featuring a poverty-stricken boy who rides out all the storms life keeps throwing at him. Cooper, a former school librarian and educator who lives in Minnesota, is the author of three middle-grade novels, “Friend or Fiction,” “Sticks & Stones,” and “Bubbles,” all of which incorporate a speculative element into a contemporary setting. Fipps, who lives in Indiana, is a former journalist and former director of marketing for a public library. Free, but registration is helpful to the store staff. Go to the store’s website at redballoonbookshop.com.

Related Articles

Literary calendar for week of May 5

Readers and writers: Minnesota’s Battle Lake connects mystery writer with bookstore owner — and now a book club

Literary pick of the week: A fundraiser for Rain Taxi Review

Literary calendar for this week

Readers and writers: Nonfiction recommendations for spring

Christi Furnas (Courtesy of the author)

CHRISTI FURNAS: Discusses “Crazy Like a Fox: Adventures in Schizophrenia,” her debut autobiographical-inspired graphic novel that explores mental  health and schizophrenia in an emotionally honest story with a cast of animal characters. The author, who lives in Minneapolis, is a queer cartoonist, illustrator, oil painter and disability rights advocate. In conversation with Caitlin Skaalrud, Minneapolis cartoonist, artist and educator. 6 p.m. Thursday, May 9, Next Chapter Booksellers, 38 S. Snelling Ave., St. Paul.

KHENPO SHERAB SANGPO: Spiritual director of Bodhicitta Sangha in Minneapolis presents “The Heart of Tibetan Buddhism” in conversation with Roger R. Jackson. 7 p.m. Tuesday, May 7, Magers & Quinn, 3038 Hennepin Ave. S., Mpls.

LIGHT SIDE OF MURDER: Minnesota mystery/crime writers Laura Childs, Jess Lourey and Jeanne Cooney sign books and chat with fans. Childs (pen name for Gerry Schmitt) writes the Tea Shop and Scrapbook mysteries and Cackleberry Club series. Lourey is author of the Murder by Month series and standalones such as “The Quarry Girls” and “The Taken Ones.” Cooney writes It’s Murder mysteries and The Hot Dish Heaven series. Free. Noon-2 p.m. Saturday, May 11, Once Upon a Crime, 604 W. 26th St., Mpls.

JENEVA ROSE: Chicago-based author of bestsellers such as “You Shouldn’t Have Come Here,” originally from Wisconsin, presents “Home Is Where the Bodies Are” about three siblings who discover a video while settling their mother’s estate, showing their father stumbling out of the darkness, covered in blood. Each sibling has a different idea about what to do next. In conversation with Abby Jimenez, Food Network winner, bestselling author and Minnesota Book Award-winner for “Life’s Too Short.” This event was moved from sponsor Magers & Quinn Booksellers to Granada Theater, 3022 Hennepin Ave., Mpls. Ticketed event, $33. 7 p.m. Wednesday, May 8. Go to magersandquinn/events.

What else is going on

“Not A River,” a novel by Selva Almada and translated from the Spanish by Annie McDermott, published in the U.S. by Minneapolis-based Graywolf Press, is a finalist for the prestigious International Booker Prize. Winners will be announced May 21 at a ceremony in London.

Mona Susan Power announces that her popular novel, “The Grass Dancer,” is now available in a Kindle edition for the first time since it was published 30 years ago.

Related Articles

Literary pick for week of May 5

Readers and writers: Minnesota’s Battle Lake connects mystery writer with bookstore owner — and now a book club

Literary pick of the week: A fundraiser for Rain Taxi Review

Literary calendar for this week

Readers and writers: Nonfiction recommendations for spring