Amy Lindgren
It’s nearly Valentine’s Day, which is go-day for florists, chocolate sellers, fancy restaurants and other purveyors of romance.
And proposals? This year, as many as 220,000 marriage proposals are anticipated, along with a decent number of weddings. That’s an awful lot of “I wills” and “I dos” happening on one day. May the sun forever shine on these happy relationships.
But … just in case the sun goes behind a cloud, maybe there’s room in the bridal registry for one more gift: A book on conflict management. If it’s not needed for the happy couple, maybe the in-laws? With politics, religion and social positions dividing people more than ever, chances are the new blended family is going to have some lumpy spots.
Not that things are any smoother at work these days, or elsewhere for that matter. Conflict seems ready to sprout just about anywhere you turn, with escalation leading to awkward or even scary consequences.
Which brings us back to conflict management books. Here’s one that crossed my desk last week: “How to Get Along with Anyone: The playbook for predicting and preventing conflict at work and at home,” by John Eliot and Jim Guinn. Simon & Schuster, 2025.
Both of the authors have consulted on the topic for years, with Eliot also holding academic roles and Guinn serving as a mediator. Their book differs from other titles I’ve seen on conflict management in that it’s based on understanding the situation and the players rather than on using a specific consensus-finding process.
This switch in focus is one reason the authors can support the title’s claim to “get along with anyone.” By not aligning with corporate departments or work roles, the steps can be applied in more settings.
The book itself is presented in two sections, with the first focused on analyzing different aspects of the situation, including which of five “conflict personality types” the reader might fit. The second section dives into those five types to identify how to strategically leverage them for the best outcome.
For me, the most interesting information came early in the book, where the authors discuss three types of conflict — or, essentially, three reasons people fall into disagreement. These are called triggers and include task-conflict, process-conflict and relational-conflict. The rest of the first section is directed toward predicting behavior, defusing emotions and leveraging knowledge of someone’s triggers and personality types, including your own.
With this foundation in place, the authors return to the five conflict-personality types as the core of the second section. Because I’ve read a lot of personality-type books over the years, this is where I usually don my skeptic’s hat. In most cases, I haven’t found the categories to be encompassing or varied enough, making me less likely to connect up with the overall paradigm.
That said, I’ve seen the opposite reaction from others I might be discussing the same information with, so I know the concept can be helpful. With that in mind, here are the five conflict personality styles noted by Eliot and Guinn, and the chief characteristics of each, in their words:
• Avoider — uninterested in minor details; excels in solitary work with a knack for concentration.
• Competitor — always pushing the envelope; never rests on laurels and takes risks for achievement.
• Analyzer — evidence-based and methodical; patiently gathers information before acting.
• Collaborator — a deeply caring, “oration virtuoso” relying on exceptional relationships skills.
• Accommodator — prioritizes achievement and well-being of those they care about over their own.
Each type is given full attention, with examples of how a person with this go-to style might default to certain responses when encountering conflict. By analyzing your own default settings, as well as those of your potential conflict partner, you can apply the appropriate steps for handling or averting the problem situation.
Or — and this is perhaps my favorite reason for the type-sorting — you can strategically switch from your default setting to another style, to let you match up better for the situation. You can even tag-team or delegate the conflict resolution to someone (at least in a work setting) whose go-to style is better suited for the situation.
So that’s an in-depth look at one conflict management book. Now, going back to Valentine’s Day and potential newlyweds in your life: I was kidding! Handing out prenuptial conflict management books is decidedly not romantic. But reading one yourself? I found a lot here that I can apply to situations I don’t always handle smoothly. With conflict increasing across all areas of our lives, I’m considering this to be good pre-emptive training.
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Amy Lindgren owns a career consulting firm in St. Paul. She can be reached at alindgren@prototypecareerservice.com.
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