I have experienced firsthand the courage of two birth mothers who chose my husband and me to raise their babies. We met these pregnant women, as well as the birth fathers and birth grandparents, of our daughters. Together, we decided to move forward and build our unconventional family. It is called open adoption. Our children know their full story, living their lives knowing who they are and how they came to be adopted.
Some open-adoption arrangements are subtle, with occasional contact throughout the year. We went all in after meeting Carmen, our first birth mother, and then Nadia, our second. With open minds and open hearts, we shared our stories and listened to one another, realizing that we could help each other. We formed a family circle bound together by choice, vulnerability, communication and, most importantly, trust. We have stood next to each other at graduations, weddings, funerals, many celebrations, and visited often. With this approach, we held hands and embraced the unexpected outcomes together.
The best example of our 33-year family journey was told through a simple tradition at our daughter Caitlin’s wedding. Caitlin and her father were enjoying a spontaneous spin during their father-daughter dance when Bob let go of her hand. She glanced up, perplexed, and then she saw him. Her birth father slowly walked onto the floor with open arms and a brimming smile, ready to finish the dance. Bob knew it was his dance to share with Patrick. The magic was in watching the guests comprehend our family dynamic in real time. While many of our loved ones had met our two birth families on other occasions, this was the first time we were all together in one place, celebrating together. We invited the birth families of both daughters, clearly demonstrating that adoption does not separate families. It unites them.
Many have told us that we are different, that few people could raise their children while maintaining a close relationship with the birth families. I disagree. To share our children with the people who made them is the most incredible honor. It may not be typical, but it’s just another version of family, and we all know the challenges and triumphs of building a family. Step families have been setting the example for generations. It’s more about who shows up for one another than who is related by blood. The same holds true for families formed through open adoption.
Adoption is not always easy. I learned that attachment and abandonment issues are real possibilities for adoptees. Our own children have helped me understand this. Through counseling and education, we seek the support and tools needed to help us navigate the crevice that is created when the birthmother hands her baby to the adoptive parent. This is a lifelong process for the adoptee. If the birthmother knows she is supported by the adoptive family, and she can continue to know her child, this open line of communication helps her grow individually and bond with her child throughout the years.
Every adoption story is different. A common misconception is that in order to make open adoption successful, you have to arrive already open and accepting. But that’s not how it works. It’s a learning curve, full of risks and rewards, just like any worthwhile endeavor. Open adoption is a choice to cultivate relationships where a child’s best interests are at the heart of every decision. While it can feel impossible, you are not alone. Your adoption is supported because everyone is in it together.
Open adoption succeeds because it incorporates three essential ingredients: choice, trust and love. The birth mother has the choice to decide who she wishes to raise and nurture her baby. Once she chooses the adoptive parents, together they choose each other and agree on what their relationship will be and how to move forward.
A safe environment is created and nurtured by birth and adoptive parents who trust each other, agreeing to keep their word to each other. I was asked many times if I was afraid the birthmother would change her mind and keep the baby. I thought about it, but we all had counseling with every step, and more importantly, Carmen, Nadia, the birth fathers, Tony and Patrick, and Bob and I, were committed to one another.
The indescribable power of love blooms and grows through these relationships. To share our children with the people who made them is the most incredible honor. The more I share our story, my hope is that people will shift their attitude about adoption from one that feels scary to an informed approach — one that starts with choice and ends with love.
Susan Strong is a Twin Cities-based writer, adoption advocate, and author of One Yes at a Time: How Open Adoption Transformed Our Family. Read more at susanstrong.substack.com and www.susanstrongauthor.com
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