It’s a reasonably different movie, but “The Roses” — an adaptation of Warren Adler’s 1981 novel, “The War of the Roses,” that hits theaters this week — has the same problem that plagues the 1989 film “The War of the Roses.”
Simply put, the flick is just such a bummer.
Like its predecessor, “The Roses” has us watch a man and a woman fall for each other and, after marrying and having kids, fall out of love and try to destroy each other, ostensibly as they fight for the house they’ve shared.
The director of the first film, Danny DeVito, had an appealing pair of stars in his “Romancing the Stone” and “Jewel of the Nile” buddies Michael Douglas and Kathleen Turner.
“The Roses” director Jay Roach, meanwhile, has Benedict Cumberbatch and Olivia Colman, two of today’s most talented actors, as the doomed husband-and-wife tandem.
Plus, Roach is working from a screenplay by an incredibly talented scribe, Tony McNamara. Watch 2023 Academy Award nominee “Poor Things” and just the first episode of the excellent Hulu series “The Great,” which he created, and see how long it takes you to name a sharper comedic writer.
This really could have worked. And yet it doesn’t.
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After an effectively funny scene in which Cumberbatch’s Theo Rose and Colman’s Ivy Rose are in a couples therapy session — each fails the assignment of writing out 10 things each appreciates about the other, she more spectacularly than he, in our judgment — the film begins in earnest.
Theo and Ivy are both Brits frustrated because they feel their talents are being held back, his at an architectural firm and hers in the kitchen of a restaurant. They meet in said kitchen, where Ivy tells him she is soon to move to the United States to find culinary freedom, and he half-jokes that maybe he should follow her.
Tony McNamara, Jay Roach worked to win the tonal war of ‘The Roses’
“We haven’t even had sex yet,” she says.
“That’s minutes away,” he counters.
A decade later, they’re living in Northern California, where he is on the verge of seeing the opening of a maritime museum he designed. She, in turn, makes inspired culinary creations for the family of four.
And, sure, they’re imperfect — he’s got a big ego and they bicker about the kids’ sugar intake — but they may be perfect for each other. For instance, they work as a team to leave early from a tiring gathering of friends (Kate McKinnon, Andy Samberg, Zoë Chao and Jamie Demetriou).
Soon, of course, more cracks in the structure that is their relationship show, after his design for the museum proves to be rather problematic and the restaurant he helped her open — the fantastically named We’ve Got Crabs Seafood Bistro — takes off rather unexpectedly.
It makes sense for Ivy to spend more time at the restaurant and exploring opening other locations, while Theo stays home to raise the kids, whom he chooses to turn into fiercely focused athletic machines, changing their diets and leading them through intense fitness regimens.
Theo blames Ivy for not being around more, and she’s peeved at him for changing her son and daughter.
Perhaps a trip to New York City is just the ticket! Uh … noooo. (Thanks for nothing, alcohol!)
Finally, Ivy thinks she has just the thing to turn the tide: She asks Theo to build their dream house, providing the funds from her growing restaurant empire. After he goes wild with spending, though, the dagger embedded in the dining table from a 15th-century Spanish monastery may become something beyond decorative.
Benedict Cumberbatch’s Theo Rose is frustrated in a scene from “The Roses.” (Courtesy of Searchlight Pictures)
Perhaps no director alive could find just the right balance for this cautionary tale to work on screen; regardless, Roach (the “Austin Powers” movies, “Trumbo,” “Bombshell”) fails to do so. That the unraveling of the marriage, which comes with increasing threats of violence, could be devilishly fun, but, again, this dark comedy is mostly a drag.
Some of the blame surely goes to McNamara. While the movie boasts a number of solid one-liners, we’d expect more laughs overall, especially when you have “Saturday Night Live” alums McKinnon (“Bombshell”) and Samberg (“Palm Springs”) as a married couple with their own set of issues.
And for all their immense talent, Colman (the McNamara-penned film “The Favourite,” “The Lost Daughter”) and Cumberbatch (“The Power of the Dog,” “Sherlock”) can’t make magic from this material. They have their moments, certainly, but it’s increasingly difficult to care about Ivy or Theo.
You want to kill each other? Know what? Go ahead.
‘The Roses’
Where: Theaters.
When: Aug. 29.
Rated: R for language throughout, sexual content, and drug content.
Runtime: 1 hour, 45 minutes.
Stars (of four): 2.
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