Some of the words of the New Year’s Eve standby “Auld Lang Syne,” now take on (at least to me) an unexpectedly fraught meaning in a divided nation as I look with muddled holiday feelings upon my own friends and people currently considered former friends. I’m talking specifically about the “should old acquaintance be forgot, and never brought to mind?” lyrics.
It’s generally agreed that the 2016 presidential election chiseled the time when many Americans who are being honest with themselves lost friends, angrily gave up on friends, or quietly dispatched people they once called friends. I’m in all of those categories, though the last one gives me pained pause. My efforts and those of others with whom I disagree increased greatly after the events of January 6, 2021.
But lately, and despite/in spite of the counsel offered in articles from places such as NPR about avoiding Thanksgiving political warfare and advice from Psychology Today published before the 2020 election that basically said dropping people due to politics was not useful, I’ve thought a lot more about old friends and acquaintances I believed I should forget. As some of them aren’t forgetting me either.
Some of this re-acquaintance and reconsideration occurred in the eight months since my mother died after a decade of unhappy decline. This includes at least two people I considered close friends, people who mostly share my political beliefs, who expressed nothing beyond perfunctory one-sentence sympathies on social media. That was jarring, to be sure. What shook me much harder was hearing from people I was sure had discarded me, or had been put in the gone bin by me. Some of these people who now inhabit a political universe as far from mine as telescopically possible sent long, incredibly kind letters, contributions to the nonprofit my mother supported, and some even … called. And, some of this communication occurred AFTER the 2024 election.
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Were all of these contacts wholly pleasant and easy? Well, no. This isn’t the Hallmark channel. After talking some about my mother and how much they’d like me back in St. Paul or my Milwaukee hometown for cocktails, some of the conversations became very awkward. A couple of people asked if I still had socialist tendencies, with one saying “you’re quite moderate, but still too liberal for me.” Some asked if I still thought them stupid. I asked if they still thought me evil. Like that. Although several still extended invitations to visit Minnesota, and some put in thinly concealed requests to stay with me in Tucson this winter. The latter was amusing, but understandable given what even simple Tucson hotels cost in snowbird season.
This activity has made me put matters into a historical context that might be considered strong evidence of delusions of grandeur, to be certain, but a context that may be at least slightly useful for many of us to ponder about those we may no longer call friends. Because I’m sure all of us at some point must decide whether it’s possible and/or desirable to regard so many family members and former friends as opponents at best, and mortal enemies at worst.
Here’s the historical context: I’ve considered the strong alliances and trade relationships that now exist between the U.S. and our World War II enemies, Germany and Japan. Those alliances and trade relationships didn’t form immediately after the Germans signed the unconditional surrender in May 1945 and the Japanese surrendered in September 1945 aboard the USS Missouri. Many of those who fought in World War II or lost family and friends in the war who later came to see Germany and Japan as allies and even friends took years and sometimes decades to do so. I figured, well, if those people could do that much, can Americans think about something similar with our fellow citizens as we approach the new year, citizens we have to share this planet with whether we currently like it or not? I’m not fully sure at present. As I said, this isn’t Hallmark.
There are people with whom peace, much less friendship, cannot be restored due to truly despicable behavior. But for some others, the memories of old acquaintance are definitely problematic. And quite emotional.
As for myself, I must ask whether I can one day board this century’s much less vaunted version of the USS Missouri to accept or proffer any treaties of peace and friendship. Maybe a lot of you might be thinking the same. Maybe.
For the moment, I will just say Happy Holidays. And that time will tell, given that cup of kindness, whether old acquaintance should really be forgot.
Mary Stanik is a writer and a former St. Paul resident now living in Tucson, Ariz.
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