How to get money advice without a side of shame

By Kimberly Palmer | NerdWallet

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Rahkim Sabree, a financial therapist and accredited financial counselor based in the Hartford, Connecticut area, worked hard in his 20s to achieve his dream of buying a house. At age 26, he finally did.

But soon afterward, he second-guessed himself after he came across a financial expert online who declared that buying a home was a bad move for young people. This particular expert encouraged renting instead.

Sabree felt crushed.

“Buying a home was an emotionally charged and scary decision for someone who didn’t grow up in a house and aspired for homeownership,” says Sabree, now 34. “To have it pooh-poohed was disheartening.”

Now, Sabree, along with a new wave of financial experts — many of whom have backgrounds in financial therapy and trauma-informed training — want to put a stop to online “financial shaming.”

Some self-declared money experts frequently make people feel embarrassed about their choices or financial situations, even using words like “stupid” or “idiot.”

That kind of inflammatory language can make people feel badly about themselves or even push them to avoid thinking about their finances altogether, which doesn’t help anyone improve their money situation, says Shannah Game, host of the “Everyone’s Talkin’ Money” podcast.

Traditional financial advice “often overlooks the systemic issues that can contribute to people’s difficulties, and instead places blame on individuals,” says Game, who is also a certified financial planner based in Asheville, North Carolina. “Language needs to be more inclusive and come from a softer, gentler approach because everyone’s situation is so different.”

Here are some ways to find financial advice that won’t make you feel ashamed.

Take a customized approach

Some financial planning advice is too rigid, says David Peters, a tax practitioner and financial advisor in Richmond, Virginia. It can be discouraging for those unable to follow along.

Peters points to one budgeting hallmark, the 50/30/20 approach, which suggests people allocate 50% of their after-tax income to needs (including any minimum loan payments), 30% to wants and 20% to savings and debt payments beyond the minimum.

That formula might be impossible for some people, especially anyone living in an expensive city on a modest income, Peters says.

Instead of struggling to follow a strict system that doesn’t make sense for your situation, Peters suggests designing a budget that works for you. Similarly, other common rules of thumb, such as paying off all debt before starting to save money, or maxing out retirement savings, might not be realistic or even a good idea for people on limited budgets.

Peters suggests picking a goal that makes sense for your unique circumstances. That might mean putting some money into an emergency savings account while continuing to pay off outstanding credit card debt, or saving just 2% of income into a retirement account, then slowly raising that percentage over time.

“Don’t be too worried about a specific number,” Peters suggests. “Just be constantly making progress toward your goal.”

Ask people to share their mistakes

Sometimes, asking people to share mistakes they’ve made can spark more inclusive conversations about money, Game says.

“There is this perception that there should be a level of perfectionism when it comes to money,” she says, such as being debt-free or having a perfect credit score.

People can feel like there’s something wrong with them when they don’t achieve that.

“Let’s encourage conversations around money not just about the successes, but about the challenges and things that are really hard for us,” Game says. That way, people can connect and feel supported, since no one is perfect.

Celebrate progress, not just big milestones

Taking note of little wins, such as saving even a small amount, making one extra debt payment or sticking to a budget for two months in a row, can build confidence and chip away at the shame.

That’s what worked for Olivia Lima, a CFP for Abundo Wealth in Sioux Falls, South Dakota.

“When I was trying to right my ship financially, I would keep a list and write down all my financial wins, even if they were tiny,” she says.

The list could include paying an extra $20 on a credit card bill or being able to handle an unexpected expense.

“You’ll hit a day when you feel discouraged and like you’re getting everything wrong, so you can look back on that list. It’s so valuable,” she says.

Embrace positive budgeting

Lima says a budgeting approach that focuses on what you can’t or shouldn’t have can invoke feelings of shame.

She suggests a more positive take: “It’s not about setting restrictions, but making conscious decisions. How do you want to use the dollars you have?”

For some people, the answer might be travel; others might focus on home improvements.

Using visual charts or graphics with color or pictograms to track your spending and saving can make budgeting feel fun and motivating instead of a drag that induces negative feelings, she says.

Follow shame-free experts

Today, many financial therapists create content that removes shame and guilt from personal finance, Sabree says.

“I am inspired by a lot of my peers who take a trauma-informed approach to personal finance,” he says. Following those kinds of financial experts on social media can help filter out shame-promoting posts.

“They reframe the thought process,” Sabree says, and offer support and guidance without resorting to making someone feel bad for previous decisions or situations.

That kind of supportive environment can make it easier to make smart decisions going forward without stirring up negative feelings about the past.

Kimberly Palmer writes for NerdWallet. Email: kpalmer@nerdwallet.com. Twitter: @kimberlypalmer.

The article How to Get Money Advice Without a Side of Shame originally appeared on NerdWallet.